Turning My Outside In to Let My Inside Out

[HKHaugan]

Epi. 21 Coming Out 2

Turning My Outside In to Let My Inside Out

We started this discussion with one central idea, aloneness is the closet out of which everyone is coming. Identity is based on an invisible choice made to satisfy our aloneness. And that choice is an invisible process. It is not based on a physical function or appearance. Whatever function the body has to make it work is just that, a function. Therefore, when we hear identity words like ‘gay’ ‘heterosexual’ ‘gender’ ‘bisexual’ ‘transgender’ ‘athletic’ ‘business minded’ ‘race’ ‘introvert’ ‘extrovert’ ‘tough’ ‘coward’ ‘sexy’ ‘handsome’ ‘sensitive’ to name a few, these are invisible conclusions based on visible appearance and behavior. It may reflect how we perceive their appearance or behavior and log that as their identity. It is not who they really are.

And further, whenever we hear the reasoning that rationalizes any chosen behavior, it needs processing. If that reasoning is challenged the usual response is, “But that’s just the way I feel.”  But what is that 'feeling' based on?  Let’s take a look at that response.

What we ‘feel’ about the unseen forces, drives and compulsions within is a process you can’t see. So many times we use the word ‘feel’ to describe them when it’s really a conclusion we make regarding our self-perception. The word ‘feel’ is deceptive. It’s like an escape clause. It implies we are not quite sure about the conclusion we are making but, because it is a feeling, it can’t be challenged. It has to be accepted. “It’s just the way I feel.” Our perception is invisible and real. But, is it accurate?

Remember, when we are saying ‘how we feel,’ we are saying how we want to be seen and accepted. There’s a lot at stake here. If it’s how we identify ourselves in our mind and heart, it better be accurate. When we start making conclusions about personal identity, we are talking about what orientation we are using to live by. Does our choice alienate us, isolate us, make us more relational and productive as we relate to others? If it is based on some function of the body and the reasoning is stated as ‘feeling’ where does that take us? If we say “But that’s what I believe about myself” we are no longer dealing with physicality. We are dealing with spirituality. As soon as belief is involved it becomes a spiritual matter. Spirituality is invisible so to what or whom can you turn that gives a security to our conclusions? Spiritual matters demand perfection not just a ‘feeling.’ They necessitate someone perfect who possesses a perfect truth leading us to a perfect way to live.

Paul tells us that we need to challenge our mind, to have a new way to think about who we are and what we are to become in this world (Rom.12:2). We have to be willing to have our culturally conditioned mind transformed into a spiritual mind. We were born with a brand new mind but it was thrown off track by sin and its conditioning by the world around us. It needs re-newing, renewal, made new again, rebirth, a re-born mind. Again, Jesus is that person in whom we can shift our mind to His mind by believing and trusting Him. His Word is an exacting guide inspiring us with the living Holy Spirit. He has our identity resting in Him, not in our eroding physical functions, imperfections and self-rationalized feelings.

But where is humanity without God? Left alone, to make some sense out of what we feel about the drives within that consume our consciousness, we tend to use them as an identity to build our life around instead of trusting God. Actually, we are not physically alone. Without God we are spiritually alone. We grow up in a conditioning culture of other people’s thoughts and opinions. We have a need to be with people. We’re relational. What really happens is we begin to run into others who we feel drawn to and act out that feeling in a certain way. We choose a lifestyle to accomplish self chosen goals. Remember, we are the totality, the sum, of the influences we choose to believe. We are all coming out of our aloneness. In essence our identity is self chosen based on who we trust and what we think will show us the best way to fulfill that identity we have chosen. Once that identity path is chosen we spend the rest of our life justifying our choice even if that choice alienates, isolates and kills us. What we discover is that while we may not be alone on the outside, we are alone on the inside. Aye, there’s the rub. How do we turn ourselves inside out?

Some questions need answering, especially if it’s a lifetime relational choice: “What is my choice based on? How do I know it is the right choice? Do I have some authority for the choice I make? What justifies my making this choice? Will the choice I make help or hurt the world of people around me? Is it a choice that should be taught and cover everyone’s self definition? Why or why not? Since every choice we make is influenced by others, who have we trusted to make this choice? What makes my choice perfect? Am I open to honestly questioning and being questioned about my choice? Am I willing to take my choice to the grave? Have I considered what my choice is in the context of eternity, that is, what happens after I die?” It’s an ‘inside out’ question.

In asking and answering these question who do we put first? If honesty leads the way, the answer is ‘I do.” The one thing we cannot deny about being human and having an identity is that we build a lifestyle and a worldview based on one simple but profound question, “Who am I?” We are born into, and with, that question in everything we do our whole life on this planet. The very existence of this question means that we need more than just our self, our individuality, to answer it. And something else that always throws a monkey wrench in the process, our imperfection. What’s inside needs to come out.

The fact that we have to make a choice, evaluate, seek help, find a solution, in a broken society of imperfect people, demands something more. We need to admit we are imperfect to begin with. We have to look outside ourselves to find something or someone more perfect to show us a way to arrive at what we believe and then we have to have faith that we can build a lifestyle that lives out what we believe. We are dependent on something and someone to make the choice of who and what we are.

Up to this point you may think this is just about gender ‘coming out.’ Of course the current phraseology would suggest that. But if you read all the questions carefully, you’ll see that identity is basic to every choice we make. When you make a choice of any kind you are coming out from what you were to what you want to be and how you want to be seen. So there is a deeper question that arises out of all this: “Does my identity choice free me or does it restrict me? Am I able to feel confident in who I am wherever I am with whoever I’m with? Or am I constantly on guard, defensive, afraid, to be relational anywhere, anytime? As they ask today, ‘Do I feel comfortable in my skin?’ Is my inside out there?

We live in a world that offers a ‘world’ of options from which we choose. What drives us is in our hearts. Our drives are all internal, invisible and, believe it or not, indefinable. We know a lot is wrapped in our physiology. Athletes emerge as such when, in their development, they discover skills they’re born with. Those with mental skills develop certain professional options. Beauty sets a pattern of behavior for those whose genes prescribe it. Take a physical characteristic and, guaranteed, it will find an outlet.

But also there is our emotionality with its many faceted expression. When combined with a physical drive, the need to express it, the influences both good and bad that shape it, and the opportunity to make an identity choice, a person will do what they think will satisfy the drive. This describes a lifestyle. Therefore, a real life question, ‘Is this a real and true way to live life?’

In this world we don’t get a second chance. Whether a profession, a skill, a drive, an emotion, a belief system, a philosophy or day-to-day survival on the road, that is an identity choice. If you do make a so-called ‘gender’ choice, the fact is this:

It’s founded on a physical drive that satisfies a really small part of the human body. Now get this, a part of the human body that occupies only two tenths of one percent (.2%) of its total mass.

How does .2% gather so much influence in human behavior? It’s the invisible drive for satisfaction that motivates its use. But isn’t that true of all the functions of our physical body. It’s the invisible that rules. It may be accompanied by a personal attraction to be noted for inner justification. How many people make their choice of a mate based on that reality? Yes, a heap---unfortunately. That’s why the above questions are so important to keep in front of people. If the way we feel about ourselves is our identity, we need to face the fact that feelings die when the body dies. It’s all over then. Kaput, finito, done. If feeling is the choice, or a profession, an athletic, intellectual or social skill, their promise at the end of the life tunnel is nothing, except perhaps, a lonely tombstone and a memory that usually disappears within a generation.

Therefore, is it better to have our names written on a tombstone or written in The Book of Life?

Reality is this: our true identity is within, invisible, an internal decision of the heart made with the mind and motivated by one’s unseen spirit. The visible physical body, with all its inner workings, is inhabited and motivated by an invisible conscious being. As a disciple of Jesus I know my conscious self as an image of God, a child of God, a believer in Jesus and accept that as my way to live in an eternal context, not just a temporary physical body that dies, ends and decays in the ground.

Jesus lived His inside out, not His outside in.